Goku vs Link



Goku vs Link is the second installment of Rap Ranter. It's a review on Goku vs Link, by Epic Fictional Rap Battles. It was released on December 2, 2015.

B-Lo:
(long sigh) (whispers) Jesus christ... (normal voice) All right, let's get this shit over with. Now, this has to be one of the cringiest rap battles I've ever seen in my life.

(A screenshot of the views and likes/dislikes is shown. It has 52,519 views, 708 likes, and 878 dislikes.)

It has over 50,000 views and the ratings are reasonably bad. The quality's shitty, the rapping sucks, everything about this battle was just horrible. This battle was so cringy, that it was even posted in cringy video compilations...

(A screenshot of a YouTube video titled "Cringe Compilation 2014 Part 1" by HexPLAYS Cringe, with the Epic Fictional Rap Battles logo in the video, is shown)

...and cringe pages on Facebook.

(A black screen is shown with the text "Couldn't find the post, but believe me, there was")

Now, when this popped into my head, you know I had to review this. Let's just hope I don't kill myself by the end of this. Let's take a look at Epic Fictional Rap Battles, the one-hit-wonder known as Goku, the Super Saiyan from Dragonball Z, vs Link, the Hero of Time from The Legend of Zelda. Now, before we start, what is with the connection? Main heroes of series? I can think of a shit load of those. Well, brace yourselves; we're about to take a trip into the shitfest that is this battle.

Announcer:
(quietly) Epic Fictional Rap Battles!

B-Lo:
It's the first second and I already have tons of questions. I can barely hear the beat even though the announcer is quiet, and the logo just looks lazy. They just typed the title in one font and decided, "There, that looks good!" Plus, the background is pitch black. People use colors or backgrounds to put in the announcer because it looks better, but putting the logo on a pitch-black screen is not even interesting. Then again, adding a color wouldn't make a difference compared to the ''announcer. ''speaking of which, you can hear background noise coming from you from the mic. It would work better if you, I don't know, turned up the fucking beat?

Announcer:
Today, it is: Goku!

(Goku's title card is shown. Goku is seen standing in front of a picture of fire and Dragon Balls, with a fist stance)

B-Lo:
That is one of the shittiest Goku costumes I have ever seen. We can tell that's a Goku hoodie you can find at Old Navy...

(a picture of said hoodie is shown)

...and I know it's hard to do Goku's hair, but at least spike it up instead of your nerdy bowl haircut. Look at the text. It's just lazy, and the background, now, that's even more lazy.

Announcer:
Vs.....Liiiiiink!

(Link's title card is shown. Link is seen standing in front of a generic Legend of Zelda background, using the same pose as Goku)

B-Lo:
Okay, not a bad costume, but...where's the sword? And again, with the lazy background. You can literally find it on Google Images. I am not kidding. When you type in "legend of zelda background," it's, like, the sixth picture.

(A Google Images screenshot is shown, with "legend of zelda background" in the search bar, and, sure enough, Link's background is the sixth picture)

And look at the stance. Yeah, the same one Goku did when he was introduced. It's fine if Goku did it, but for Link? That doesn't make sense. That's why you need a sword. I don't think Link fights with his fists, from what I know.

Link:
I'm the king of Hyrule; you're a stupid warrior

B-Lo:
Oh great. No subtitles. Like I couldn't understand this battle enough.

Link:
I'm the king of Hyrule; you're a stupid warrior

B-Lo:
God, look at this kid's body acting, it's so awkward. His arms are tucked in, his eyes are darting everywhere, and he's doing a slight bouncing motion. Put some more emotion, kid.

Link:
I'm the king of Hyrule; you're a stupid warrior

B-Lo:
Link isn't really the king of Hyrule. He's the hero of Hyrule. The king of Hyrule would be Zelda's father.

(the King from Hyrule Warriors is shown)

And no, I'm not talking about the one from the CDI games.

(the King of  Mah Boi   dinner  Hyrule from the CDI Link/Zelda games is shown)

Link:
I'm gonna win so fast and make you sorer (?)

B-Lo:
"Sorer?" That's not even a word!

Link:
I'l beat you with my (Ganon sword?) so fast you won't blink

B-Lo:
Beat him with your what?

Link:
I'l beat you with my (Ganon sword?)

B-Lo:
I don't know what you said, and that's why we need subtitles! But I'm sure you didn't say "Master Sword," because that's what it's called. And why are you talking about "beating him so fast?" Goku's faster than the speed of light, and I'm pretty sure Link isn't even close to that.

Link:
Instead of Legend of Zelda, I'm changing it to Legend of Link!

B-Lo:
Geez, selfish much, Link? Oh yeah, and nice stolen lyric from Smosh.

Link (Smosh version):
(clip from Smosh's "Legend of Zelda Rap") Legend of Zelda? SCREW THAT! Legend of Link!

B-Lo:
And is Link wearing a do-rag? (zoom in on Goku's...weirdly shaped butt) And what's Goku packing there? I know that's a weird thing to point out, but seriously, that doesn't look normal.

Goku:
It's Goku here-

B-Lo:
Wait, Goku already? Link has a 4-line verse? Now, that's lazy, too! And this is Legend Of Zelda! I feel like a lot of people should know a lot about Link!

B-Lo:
It's Goku here, the Super Saiyan

(Goku mispronounces "Saiyan" as "s-eye-yin")

B-Lo:
"S-eye-yin?" It's pronounced "say-yen!"

(As he says that, the thumbnail for Chris Kirkman vs Oishi Kawaii by Epic Rap Battles of Cartoons is shown)

I don't think these people know shit about these characters! Hell, they probably don't know who these people are! And if they don't, they have no childhood!

Goku:
Gonna beat you and beat you again and again

B-Lo:
Oh my god, these lyrics are cheesy!

Goku:
Green shirt? Green hat? You remind me of Peter Pan

And Navi as Tinkerbell, boy that would work out well

B-Lo:
Boy, this guy knows a lot more about Peter Pan than he knows about these characters.

Goku:
"Legend of Link?" Ha, that's so dumb

'Cause Zelda's the main character--

B-Lo:
"Zelda's the main character?" No she fucking isn't! Okay, it's confirmed: this guy doesn't know jack-diddly-shit about these two characters. Not even a speck of research.

Goku:
--and you're just the bum

I really hate you, Link

You should change your name to Legend of Stink!

B-Lo:
(sarcastically) So punny.

(Goku looks down, and what looks like a blue ball appears at the bottom of the screen, but for only a second.)

Hey, what the hell is he doing here? It's just there for a second and it cuts to Link. Plus, it's at the bottom of the screen. What's the point of it?

Link:
This battle's halfway over, but I've just begun

B-Lo:
But you started the first verse. And it's fine saying "this battle is over" at the end, but who says that the battle's halfway over? It's like you're saying to the viewers, "Hey guys, by the way, we're almost done with this piece of shit!"

Link:
I'll take one of my bombs and put it in your lung!

(Goku looks like he's facepalming.)

B-Lo:
Goku's expression says it all. That lyric was just awful.

Link:
And shove my sword right through your soul

B-Lo:
Getting violent, aren't we?

Link:
Leaving behind a very huge hole

B-Lo:
No shit there will be a hole when you stab someone! Plus, it's a sword, so I doubt the hole would be that huge.

Goku:
Ganon is better than you by ten times

You only beat him 'cause of that storyline

B-Lo:
So it makes the Zelda games better if you do get killed by Ganon? Who is pretty much the final boss of every Zelda game? Yeah, sure.

(Various PNGs of Ganon are shown)

Goku:
I'll steal all your Rupees and keep them for myself

B-Lo:
Geez, why do you make these guys so selfish?

Goku:
And (mumbly) make fun of your species; you're a stupid little elf

B-Lo:
Okay, I understood the last part, but what did he say at the first? "I'll make one of your species?" This is why we need subtitles!

Goku:
Me and my son will show you who's boss

We'll show you a Kamehameha to remind you of your loss

(Goku makes a really crappy animated Kamehameha that doesn't even fire straight)

B-Lo:
Hey, nice aim. Goku didn't have that much of a shitty aim in the series.

(A screenshot of Goku fighting Frieza with a Kamehameha is shown)

He only missed a few times because the enemy dodged in the last few seconds.

Announcer:
Who Won?

B-Lo:
Oh, thank god, that was--

Announcer:
Wait! This battle's not over!

B-Lo:
...What?

Announcer:
It's Gary Oak!

(Gary Oak's title card is shown.)

B-Lo:
What does Gary Oak from Pokemon have to do with this?! It doesn't even make it a connection with the characters!

Gary Oak:
I came here to stop the war

You guys should be friends and take this battle off the floor

B-Lo:
"You guys should be friends?" That's something you would never hear out of Gary's mouth! And this is coming from the guy who's an inconsiderate asshole to the main character!

(A screenshot from the Pokemon anime is shown: a sign with the words "Gary was here! Ash is a loser!" scrawled on it.)

Gary Oak:
If you two don't stop fighting,

I'll make my Pokemon use Bite!

Powhatan:
(clip from Powhatan vs John Smith by Epic Fanmade Rap Battles of History) Uh...which one?

Gary Oak:
I'm better than both of you, so you should just stop this test

I'll get my gramps to tell me I'm the best

B-Lo:
(shows a fanmade Pokemon comic about renaming Gary Oak into "Douche") After seeing this, I doubt it.

Announcer:
Who Won?

B-Lo:
Ugh, so that's it, Goku vs Link. And if you stayed through the whole video, then congrats, you survived one of the cringiest rap battles of all time. This battle was god-awful. The rapping is shit, the costume work is ass, the editing is lazy, there are barely any references to the characters, the verses were short, and to top it all off, Gary Oak??? Why was he even here??? As if this wasn't bad enough! Not only did they disgrace Legend of Zelda and Dragonball Z, but they even disgraced Pokemon! That's three popular childhood franchises ruined in these two minutes! Epic Fictional Rap Battles? This series should be fictional, because it shouldn't have existed in the fucking first place! (sigh) I hope you enjoyed this, cause I sure as hell didn't! And I'll see you all next time. (far-off voice) God, this was shit!